The Jokes On You!

Who are these smart, creative geniuses who create witty and hilarious jokes? There are some right belters surfing around the internet, but here’s your chance to create your very own. Listed below are some of the finest joke posts from Reddit within the last week. If you think of any cracking one-liners yourself, let us know by commenting below!

1. absolutehalil

One day, terrorists attacked a village.
They took the men of the village as hostages. The head terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of the terrorists. He wrapped bandages around the women’s eyes and told the men to lose their pants. The Terrorists turned to the women and said, “You are going to touch every penis one by one. If you find your husband, that couple will be saved. If you cant find him, you will both die.”
After that, the first woman started to check the penises one by one.
“Not this, not this, husbaand!”
She was correct and both were spared. Then the second woman came.
“Not this, not this, not this, nope, husbaaand!”
She was also right, both were again spared. Third one.
“Not this, not this, not this,… , husbaand!” Again right. This situation continued to appear. As a result, the terrorists got bored and entered the queue. The next women came and started,
“Not this, not this, not this, not from village, not this, not this, husbaand!”

2. mykeuk

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the zoo.

3. PerryAnthrust

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and pleaded to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer, “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation.
The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives.
The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go.
The Indian asks “May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time”. The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: “So, what will you use as a shield?”
The Russian: “The Indian, of course”.

4. funtimeswithrhymes

My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year!”

5. inter_yamam

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”
“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”

6. Thortsen

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit.
Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower.
Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

7. notdeva

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

8. a_posh_trophy

My therapist says I’m paranoid.
He didn’t actually say that I but I know he was thinking it.

9. braunheiser

So this black kid was playing in the kitchen right…
He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.
His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. “Look Mom, I’m white!” he said.
His mom slapped him across the cheek. “I can’t believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said.”
Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said “Hey look Dad… I’m white!”
When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused.
The Dad said “Boy that’s the worst shit I’ve ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.
So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma’s bedroom. “Hey Grandma look, I’m white…”
…and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids’ parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.
They all stood around him and asked him “Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?”
The kid just looked up at them and said “…Well I’ve only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!”

10. rangerham

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.
A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. “Wow,” he says in his thick accent, “you’re so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I’d kiss ye all over!”
The girl, offended, retorts, “Ye can’t say that to me! When my boyfriend comes back, he’ll beat ye on up!”
The man says, “That’s not all! If yous was me girlfriend, I’d take yer shirt off and slap yer titties around!”
She says, “Ye can’t say that to me! When me boyfriend comes back, he’ll beat ye on up!”
He says, “Well that’s not all! If yous was me girlfriend, I’d fill your pussy with beer and drink it all up!”
She says, essentially shouting now, “Ye can’t say that to me! When me boyfriend comes back, he’ll beat your ass bloody!”
The man leaves, walking across the bar as the girl’s boyfriend returns from the loo. She tells him everything the man said to her. “Ye won’t believe what this man said to me! He said if he was me boyfriend, he’d kiss me all over!”
The boyfriend says, enraged, “Where is this fucker? I’ll beat him on up!”
She says, “That’s not all! He said if he was me boyfriend, he’d take me shirt off and slap me titties around!”
“I’ll kick this lad’s ass up through his neck,” her boyfriend seethes.
“That’s not all!” says the girlfriend, “he said if he was me boyfriend he’d fill me pussy with beer and drink it all up!”
The boyfriend goes silent and throws a bill on the bar. “C’mon honey, we’re leaving.”
“Why?” she says, “I thought you were gonna beat him bloody!”
“Honey,” he says, looking her in the eye. “I won’t be fightin’ a man that can drink that much beer.”