The Jokes On You!

Who are these smart, creative geniuses who create witty and hilarious jokes? There are some right belters surfing around the internet, but here’s your chance to create your very own. Listed below are some of the finest joke posts from Reddit within the last week. If you think of any cracking one-liners yourself, let us know by commenting below!

1. Zeolance

Wife: “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife: “They gave those away.”
Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

2. alacbar

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

3. RyanTheEngineer

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
“Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
“Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
“Do you have vagina?”
“Yes, actually I have one,” she says.
The man replies..
“Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

4. DarthHound

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push two twins together to make a king.

5. wisemanstoryteller

A man walks into a gun shop.
“I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle.”
“Sure” said the owner handing over a scope, “If you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house.”
The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says, “Sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who I can only assume is your wife?”
“Cheating, bitch!” the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said, “Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches’ head off and I’ll give you free bullets for the rest of your life.”
The guy looks through the scope again and says, “What do I get if I only use one shot?”

6. alicevirgo

A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.

7. GaryYesterday

Burglars are getting very clever these days…
Last night, my wife woke me up…
“Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!”
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realised I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

8. MTGcardJunkie

What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?
Your ears.

9. T0tai

Why are mountains so funny?
Because they are hill areas.

10. BeefScore

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop to plan for their upcoming nuptials.
After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service.
Offended, the couple can’t believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won’t even bake a cake.
The baker replies, “No, no I’m fine with gay marriage. I just can’t support inter-Rachel marriage.”