The Jokes On You!

Who are these smart, creative geniuses who create witty and hilarious jokes? There are some right belters surfing around the internet, but here’s your chance to create your very own. Listed below are some of the finest joke posts from Reddit within the last week. If you think of any cracking one-liners yourself, let us know by commenting below!

1. FrankStileMD

I used to really enjoy the Lame Joke Eel memes but I never see them anymore. I present to you my go-to joke as a plastic surgeon.
CltUBWC

2. sandman0086

Been flirting with the girl that just started working down the hall from me. We have both been working after hours during our busy season…I was trying to make a joke that came out horribly wrong. She fixed it.
CltUBWC

3. elvish_visionary

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships… Apparently “in HD” wasn’t the right answer.
CltUBWC

4. overweightdolphin

*During an interview* Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Candidate: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”
CltUBWC

5. DulceZucar

I’m pregnant. My boyfriend just made his first dad joke.
I was feeling morning sick and so he told our baby: You’re grounded. Go to your womb. I rolled my eyes.
CltUBWC

6. Tuna_Sushi

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
CltUBWC

7. loanwolf

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “‘Cuz you’re ugly.”
CltUBWC

8. deathmetal27

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.
Lady: I can’t, he hates pills.
Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
Next week she returns, unhappy.
Doctor: Was it good?
Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.
Doctor: Well, then what’s wrong?
Lady: I’ll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.
CltUBWC

9. beanie219

A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen.” “What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”
CltUBWC

10. babykinz

Forgive me Father for I have sinned………….. “Go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “Continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”. “And this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man. “This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. “Ahhh I see” says the priest, “this must have been the point where you swore”. “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole”. The priest pauses for a few seconds, “You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”
CltUBWC